Hard day. Better night.

We moved here in August. During that month we worked on settling into a new life, a new house, and new routines. I put the house together and explored my new surroundings. About three weeks into August I began the gruesome and soul-killing job search. I spent so much time on Craigslist and the Human Resource page on Duke’s website that my dreams became consumed with them. While Dave was in the midst of his hectic first weeks of Divinity School, I spent my days emailing, calling, and scanning job search engines for any glimpse of hope. I waited for a phone call, an email.. anything to say that somebody out there in this big scary world found my resume or cover letter compelling. Nothing. This went on for a few weeks, and then a month, and then nearly another month. Each day I resumed my search I felt less and less enthusiastic and more and more negative.

Until one day in late September when I was contacted by a family on one of the ‘Find a Nanny’ websites I joined. They sought me out after reading my profile and experience. They had a nine-month old baby and were both Doctors at Duke. The mom and I decided to set up a time to talk on the phone instead of by email to get to know each other better. We talked for over 45 minutes and I was thrilled. The Dad was British, the Mom Indian from South Africa originally, but they had moved from England in ’99 (the same year I came with my family). What a cool coincidence. We laughed and related about the idiosyncrasies of American culture (no offense American friends… and family) and I bragged about my love for children and how they can teach us so much even in their meaningless prattle (exaggeration).  I was so happy when I got off the phone that I had found something that was such an incredible fit! I called Dave bursting with the news.

I went over a week later to meet the family. He was such a sweet little boy with big brown eyes that curiously searched my face for some sign of recognition. The mom was lovely and it just so happened that her mother (the baby’s Grandmother) was staying from South Africa. She ’interviewed’ me, we laughed, we played with the baby, was talked about logistics. They wanted me, I wanted them. It was great. I was full of relief that I had finally put an end to my days in front of the computer desperately searching for something to fill my days and our bank account. I told her my apprehensions about nannying, mainly the blurry line of responsibility and time, and she said that she would draw up a contract.

The only thing was that her mother was due to fly back to South Africa in December. I was due to start working for them the second week in October. That would mean two months with her in the house also. The other thing was that the mom hadn’t actually gone back to work but was waiting to hear when she could go back to her old post at Duke (she’s an oncologist) that she left when she had the baby. She said November she would go back to work and that before that she would go out most days and take her mother with her so that the baby could get used to me.

I start working. A week goes by. Nobody leaves the house while I’m there. We’re all there together. Ok, she’s probably just taking it slow so that he can get used to me and we can all familiarize ourselves with each other. Another week goes by. No one leaves. Throughout the whole month of October I think I fed the child once. ONCE. There is a whole slew of things that I could rant about but I needn’t. Other than to say that I felt like me being there was absolutely pointless, and it was.

A lot of frustration and broken promises later, she tells me that they are not letting her return to her previous post at Duke. She says she’s looking at another position which she interviewed for earlier this week. She told me it may start in January or it may start in July, but they weren’t telling her when. Both later than her promised date of November 1st. So, to this day, I haven’t once been left alone in the house with this child. I haven’t put him to sleep, and I’ve fed him once. Every day I’m there I pray for patience and understanding for why this situation is like this. 

Then, today she told me that the job she interviewed for starts in July, and she doesn’t think she wants to take it, but that she would tell me by the end of the day. To say I was upset would be an understatement. Basically, they don’t need me anymore. But she didn’t say that per se. I feel like I have been dangled by a string. She promised all of these things that she didn’t follow through on. This morning I had that awful heavy feeling in my stomach thinking about paying rent next month. And for our plane tickets back to Austin at Christmas. I told her we needed to talk. I told myself to be honest, and stern, and tell her all of these things to make her realize how utterly messed up this was. But, I did the one thing I told myself not to. I cried. I completly lost it. I felt so incredably maniupulated by it all. I thought about listing off to her all of the frustrations I had, or all of the ways in which she had wronged me. But I felt utterly defeated by it all. Mostly, I felt like I was back to square one. Back to the job search. What I thought was a perfect job, turned out to be far from it. I came home, baked some things for small group, and then curled in a ball in bed. I was confused, and sad, and dreading starting all over with the search.

Then I went to small group tonight with cookies and coffee cake in hand. And people ate and enjoyed them. And they asked me how my day was. And I told them. And their compassionate faces and warm embraces made my burden that little bit lighter. Their prayers made me a bit more hopeful that maybe this door was closed so that another could open. I no longer felt like I was in this alone and needed to be justified, because not only does God know, but these people understand and care. During our time of prayer, someone had a picture of Jesus covering all of the crap that we deal with in our daily lives with a white blanket. He didn’t make it all better or stop it from happening, but he covered it. He was in it. He was with us. And he gave us people to be with us, so that we could feel his love in a tangible way everyday. I feel hopeful that God is with me and has something better in store for me, so I wait, and I look, and I trust.